


I've Lost Count

by Marimoo30



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Heavy Angst, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 12:57:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18778744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marimoo30/pseuds/Marimoo30
Summary: Lance is and always has been the seventh wheel of the team. And one day at a team meeting, he let's everyone know just what he thinks of himself because of his teammates.





	I've Lost Count

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic on AO3 so I hope you guys like it. Please let me know what you think and give requests! I'd love to write stuff for y'all! I'm always open to suggestions. Once again, this IS a really dark and angsty fic that can be triggering. So if you don't like, don't read!
> 
> Enjoy!!

Lance's POV:

Keith.

The best paladin Voltron could have. The one everyone cared about. Keith was perfect from his stupid inky black mullet to his his toes. An amazing fighter, pilot, and soldier. So you can guess how horrible I am in comparison.

I mean look at me. I wasn't good enough for blue. I know I don't deserve red. I'm not serious enough. I don't train enough. I'm not enough I'll never be good enough. I'm weak and stupid. You may think I'm being over dramatic but walk a day in my shoes and you'll see that my team thinks I'm just as useless as I do.

"Lance can you just be serious for once!"

"Some 'sharpshooter'! He couldn't even hit the gladiator!"

"Jeez can you leave me alone?! I'm trying to be useful!"

"Why can't you be more like Keith?!"

Each comment was a gash at my self esteem. But the last one stung the most. It stung the most because I knew no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many nights I stayed up training, no matter how many times I tried to help; I'd never be like Keith. I'd always be the goofball.

I'd always be useless

I'd always be annoying

I'd always be weak

I'd always be stupid

I'd always be replacable

I'd always be fake

Yes. The happy go lucky paladin was a facade I put up. No one knew the real Lance McClain. No one knows the me that slices my skin every chance I got. No one knows the me that carves my thoughts onto my body. All anyone can see are my fake mega watt smiles and long sleeve olive green jacket. That I never take off because of 'homesickness'. And no one ever cares.

They only care about Keith

So when Keith calls an emergency meeting and sits us all down everyone is concerned. And when Keith opens his mouth to speak everyone hangs on his every word.

"So...I know this may come as a shock to you...but I've been feeling really stressed lately being the new leader and all that." Keith says nervously

The others are listening intently frowns of concern painted on their faces.

'If only they treated me like that' A voice in my head piped up. I quickly pushed the thought away and continued to listen to Keith.

"So...last night I cut myself. I'm sorry I just didn't know how to deal with it..." Keith sputters shyly and rolls up his sleeve. To reveal 1. Tiny. Cut. You've got to be fucking kidding me. All the other paladins rush to hug him and console him. Allura was crying.

"Why didn't you say that you were stressed we would have helped you!" Hunk cried.

"We should have seen it I'm so sorry!!" Pidge sobbed as she squeezed Keith's waist.

"Keith never do this again." Shiro said in his dad voice, tears cascading down his cheeks.

I only sat there dumbfounded. 1 tiny ass cut? You're fucking kidding me right? I stared at the tiny cut on his arm and felt the thousands on my body begin to burn. I couldn't help it. I bursted out laughing. At Keith? No not at Keith. At this whole situation. My entire team was brought to tears by their precious Keith making 1 tiny cut on his arm. When no one had noticed the bloody razor underneath the couch. When no one noticed that I stopped eating. When no one noticed that I stopped smiling and trained every night.

But they noticed Keith. 

The other paladins glared daggers into my soul as I laughed. I didn't care and just let my laughter ring through the tension in the room. Everyone looked at me disgustedly.

"Lance what the quiznack is wrong with you?! Can't you see Keith is hurting himself?!" Allura screamed at me. 

"Lance how could you be so inconsiderate?!?!" Hunk yelled.

"What the hell man I cut myself! Do you not care at all?!" Keith shouted

I took a deep breath and stopped laughing. I looked at the others with a rueful smile as I took off my jacket and pulled off my shirt. My arms and chest were littered with thousands of cuts that decorated my caramel colored skin. Words were carved into my skin. Words the other paladins had said to me.

Useless

Seventh Wheel

Annoying

Weak

Replacable

The others' faces had dropped in horror at the gruesome sight.

"I'm sorry it's just...you think one cut is so bad? Please. I've lost count." I said before pulling on my shirt and jacket. I walked away, leaving the frozen, slack jawed paladins staring after me.


End file.
